My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
