The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
