Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
