I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
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