hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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