apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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