haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
