First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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