He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
