I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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