you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
