Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize