OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
