I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
