Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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