420 ftw
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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