Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
