i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
