someone owes me an orgasm
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
