he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
