she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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