just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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