your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
