Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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