i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
