as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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