Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
