mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
