I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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