When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
