there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
