Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
