I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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