Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Randomize
