Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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