I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
