I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
