it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
