Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
