Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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