dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize