Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
