did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
look no pants
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
