The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize