I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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