well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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