Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
