pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
