I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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