You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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