I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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