I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Mom said you looked used
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
