when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
