yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize