cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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