... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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