so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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