Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
