I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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