I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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