Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize