I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
