8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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