you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I supernannyed him into submission
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
