how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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