Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
