Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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